its been a while

k well.. i havn't been on this for a long time. i come on... and i love seeing all the pictures, thats the best part .and what everyone is saying. and i always just want to write how i feel and stuff.. but. its so hard. seeing the pictures just like.. remembering the good times with tori. all the fun we had when we played. like i just looked at all the christmas ones.. and.. i miss that. just laughing and taking pictures. laughing at the dumbest stuff... but laughing so hard were all crying. i miss that. i just want to laugh with tori. make jokes.. hangout.. have fun. going and seeing her is great tho.. i just wish she could come with me. there was a football game friday night. and the whole night i coudln't help but think of tori. the time she came to the game in her little school girl outfit and how cute she was. i just wanted to turn around all night and see tori right there smiling. when i first got there.. i looked up .. and far a way i could of sworn i saw tori.. but .. it was just me wanting to see her. i miss her sooo much. dance has changed alot without her. i feel like our team isn't how it used to be at all. were not as close at all. about a week ago at dance.. we had turns with kirra. and like.. in ballet before, i just got thinkin bout tori. cuz she always stood in the skinny mirror in ballet and always the hardest working .and just.. not seeing tori there.. it made me work so much harder tho. like.. i didn't care bout anything. i just wanted to dance for tori. then we had turns next and i was just.. so mad. everyone noticed. i mean. i was just mad. i was so mad tori wasn't there. i was mad i coudln't be with her, couldn't dance right next to her trying to be better then her. and i never could. and .. like.. going across the floor.. i just started to cry. i tried so hard to hide it but i coudln't. i coudln't hold it in either. i was dying. i jsut want my tori back. i hate this. i havn't really talked about it much either. i just.. keep it all in and sometimes it just gets to me and i just die. and i just get so mad. i hate it. i get mad and my mom.. my brothers.. but.. its just all me. i just want to cry to tori. but i can't. so i try to just work hard myself. she has made me work harder in everything now. dance, school, everything. especially dance tho. in ballet.. i just think of tori and it pushes me. and when we to combo's in class.. i just think.. dance for tori and it just makes me really dance how i am feeling and it makes me feel better. i dont care about anything else when i think of her. nothing else matters. i watched the slide show and just watching it made me have no other worries in the world. people were talking to me on msn .. getting mad cuz i wasn't talking back.. but.. i just dont care. i love tori. i miss her soooo much. i just.. want to talk to her about everything thats going on right now. friends.. dance.. boys.. like.. boys. i always talked about tori and she would give me the greatest advice on like.. who i should like.. or not just everything. me and kara were talking yesterday at the pool about .. how when tori first came to our studio.. we didn't really know her.. and like. .during class.. across the floor or doing a dance.. she would just get in your way and hit you and just keep doing what she was doing and it just made all of us soooo mad. haha. but when i think about it.. i loooove that. it made tori.. tori. like. she just danced and if anyone got in her way.. she didn't care. she would just keep going. its how she is now.. nothings going to get in her way to make her stop fighting and getting better. she is more determinded then anyone i know. honestly now.. i just want tori to come smack me when were dancing.. just so i know shes atleast dancing her heart out. so i can just sit back and watch her one of these times. tori.. i love you so much. your amazing. you have impacted me.. and everyone else soo much. i dont think there isn't one person in utah that doesn't know about you. honestly. your a freakin miracle. i love you sooo dang much. i just can't stop saying it. and.. i have never felt like this. i love you tori. please get better very soon and come play with me.. come laugh... anything.. everything. i love you. and hey.. when you do.. were going to have alot to talk about. so.. just be prepared. cuz i am. everyday i am. i love you tori.
love
mckenzie lambright