Tori

Kenzie just got me in the mood to finally do this. Just like her, I have wanted to express my feelings for Tori as well. I feel like a lot of the time I hold in my feelings too. And I think its a lot harder that way. We all miss Tori so much. And at dance, its so different. On Thursday in ballet I was trying to talk to Bree and I said “Tori.” I haven’t done that since like a few weeks after the accident. I used to do it all the time. Every time I say it, it kills me because after I say it, I don’t get to see her face or hear her answer “yeah?!” Like Mckenzie said, our team isn’t as close which is the opposite of what we all want it to be. I don’t know why, we all want to be closer, but we just aren’t. We try so hard though. It’s just not complete. There will always be that space for Tori, and NO ONE can fill that in.
On Friday night, I went to the Timpanogos vs. Orem football game. And after Orem won, the whole football team took of their helmets and ran into the middle of the field and jumped together. They were soo happy and I could see how much fun they were having and how they are such a good team...they are all as ONE. It reminded me of Teen Company last year. We were like a sisterhood. We had so many good times where we were just all together, happy and having a good time. Then, we also had our hard times. As I was watching the football team together, I had a flashback from when Alli Holker won “New York City Dance Alliance 2005 National Senior Outstanding Dancer” and company all crowded around her and we were jumping like crazy. Crying because we were so happy. And what made me so sad was that Tori wasn’t there. After all that she worked for last year, she wasn’t able to be there for the exciting part. I remember one ballet class, only three girls showed up. It was Tori, me, and another girl I think it was Annie but I’m not sure. Tori was crying when she walked into class and we were all wondering what happened. That whole class we didn’t dance at all. Our ballet teacher Stacie talked to us the entire time. Tori was crying throughout the whole thing, and when Tori is sad and crying, there’s NO WAY you can resist crying too. We were all just crying along with her. She told us that her mom was going to make her quit dance because of grades or attitude or a cell phone bill too big, or something that was little like that, that we all do. She was hysterically crying because she didn’t want to quit dance. I remember Staci telling her that her mom was actually just trying to scare her so she would be good, and that she wouldn’t actually make her quit dance. But she wouldn’t believe it. She was devastated, and that’s how much she loved dance.
A couple days after the accident, before any brain activity, and we thought Tori wouldn't live, I was listening to some slower songs on my Ipod. Which already reminded me of Tori, just looking at it. And then this song came on called "Victoria" by John Mayer. I couldn't handle it and turned it off. The next day I got really curious about what the song said. I turned it on to listen to it to see if there was anything that was similar to Tori. I was shocked. It reminded me of Tori so much! The first line he says "I don't know why Tori came by, but I could see by the look in her eye. Tori been driving around the town for a while, playing with the thought of leaving." And it killed me..He says Tori and everything. Then at the end, the last line is, “You might be asking, where is Tori tonight, somewhere out on the highway, I’m sure that she’s fine.” It made me feel so much more reassured that she’s going to be okay. I really want all of you to listen to this song. Another interesting thing is my friend Chase Jesperson who just died (Tori brought us together again last summer) well he was the one who sent me this song on the internet. If you want this song, you can ask me to send it to you on the internet and I'll be happy to. It’s called VicTORIa” by John Mayer. A few weeks ago, I sent it to Kenzie and told her to listen to the words, and that in a different context, they were about Tori. Yesterday we were talking, and we are really thinking about doing a dance to Victoria for Tori. Mckenzie is going to choreograph it and Bree, Kelsey, Missy, Kenzie, and I will be in it. It will be just a small group with all of the girls in Dance Company at Orem High that also danced with Tori at The Dance Club. If we do it, which I really want to, we will perform it at our Orem High school Dance Company concert in April.
Tori I love you so much! I miss you like crazy! I miss you running over me and stepping on my foot while dancing, not saying sorry or anything. I miss you burning your eyebrows on Abi’s gas stove, and running into the railing on her stairs while sledding down them. I miss Jacki pushing you in dance so hard that you would cry. I miss you falling out of your triple inside turn every single time until June when you finally got it. I miss watching you snow boarding and me thinking “Gall I have to wear my hair down when I go skiing...how does Tori look that cute while snow boarding?!” I never ever looked as cute as you did snow boarding, no matter how hard I tried. I miss you asking me what boy I liked or telling me what boy you liked that DAY. Haha I miss my friends who went to Canyon View come up and tell me after hanging out with you how much they loved you, and how nice you were to them. You befriended every single one of my friends. I just remember Madi being so amazed at how sweet you were to her. I love seeing you smile! That day when Bree, Mckenzie, Nate and I came up and visited you, you were all smiles, and it made my month! Please smile for us again! All I want for you is to be happy! I love you Tori with all my heart, and I miss you so much! Keep fighting! You are so strong it amazes me! I know you’ll be okay. I love you!